You do not have to be kinky or experienced to know about threesomes.
For many of us, the idea of a threesome comes up without much affiliation towards kink— either from being in a monogamous relationship for a long time, from having a crush on two people at once, from noticing the threesome category on porn sites or from meeting your couple friends and feeling a gentle tension in the air.
But how do you go from wanting a threesome to actually making it happen?
What do you do when you want a threesome but do not have a person #2 or #3 to join you for it?
SubReddits like R4RIndia has several users who post as couples looking for a third, or individuals looking for couples. People often specify ages, locations and preferences in these posts and exchange photos and sexts on reddit itself or move on to apps like Telegram and Signal before choosing to meet up in person.
Dating apps like Feeld, Hinge, and Tinder are often used by couples seeking a third too.
But if you are a couple using dating apps, please be kind to other users and be upfront about being a couple. Making a profile as a cis-woman and chatting someone up before casually admitting that your partner is interested too, puts your matches in an uncomfortable position and often ruins the experience of using those dating apps for them.
Understand your needs for safety and plan accordingly
You may not want to have the threesome in a location close to your home, you may want to hide all identifying marks or tattoos / jewellery from the images you exchange and you may even want to use an alias for the threesome.
All of these are normal boundaries to want to set up, especially when your partner/s is/are someone you meet through the internet or at meet-up events. But there is a line between privacy and deceit.
Withholding your real name from a casual sexual encounter is not the same as lying about your spouse being okay with you partaking in this threesome or pretending to be in an open relationships when your partner thinks you are monogamous.
Consent established under false pretences is not consent at all. It is also risky to pretend to be sober at the threesome while secretly under the influence of substances.
How do you plan a safe and satisfying threesome?
Recognise your privileges and vulnerabilities in the set up.
If the threesome is happening in your house or in a hotel room booked on your card, check on your partners’ comfort levels for these venues. Playing host or being the orchestrator of this threesome does not make you entitled to their submission.
If you are an individual having a threesome with two people who are already a couple, recognise that they already know each other’s sexual and emotional needs better than they understand yours.
Look for signs of respect and curiosity about your boundaries in the people you engage with, and if you feel unheard or dismissed in the chatting stage itself, consider the possibility that this couple is more interested in the experience of a threesome than they are in having sex with you.
Examine your possible boundaries and be prepared to discover new ones during the threesome.
As a couple, you may be open to having another person join you in bed, but it is often the little things that make us want to set firm boundaries.
For eg., maybe you want to be the only one undressing your partner before the sex begins. Or maybe you want your partner to be the only one who holds your hair a certain way or goes down on you.
It’s normal to have these boundaries, especially when you’re new to exploring threesomes. But you need to communicate these boundaries with your partners for the night as soon as you realise them.
And if you don’t realise you have this boundary until the middle of sex, try and communicate this new development as kindly as possible.
We sometimes react to accidental boundary violations as though they were deliberate, and in threesomes, people can sometimes feel cheated on even when that threesome was their own idea.
Define your needs for aftercare and your ability to offer it.
If you are hosting the threesome in your home and would like your guest/s to stay the night, let them know. If you would like for them to leave after the sex is over, politely let them know.
If you would like to stay in touch or explicitly wish to never be contacted again, communicate those boundaries too.
Allow your partner/s to communicate their needs or limitations wrt aftercare too. It’s possible to find a safe and loving middle ground for all of you, even if it means going your separate ways and taking some space from each other to ground yourselves.
But what do you when a threesome happens too spontaneously for any of these conversations to occur?
Aim for these conversations at the end of the act.
Maybe you’ll find yourselves feeling more chatty after a vulnerable time together, or maybe all of you feel safer to have these conversations after you’ve gone your separate ways and can discuss things over text instead.
It’s also quite possible that your spontaneous threesome is not one that accommodates any room before, during, or after for any conversation on feelings.
Maybe that’s how you and your partners prefer it, maybe you all have no intentions of crossing paths ever again, and that’s fine too. In an event like that, all you can do is focus on communication during the act and do what you need to process the highs and lows you may feel after your first group experience.
Now that the logistical and emotional safety bits are out of the way, let’s talk sexual safety!
You’re going to need latex barriers for each partner. Not just one for yourself, but one for each partner. The same condoms cannot and should not be used for multiple partners, and neither should dental dams.
Condoms used for anal play cannot be used for vaginal play with the same person.
If you and your partners are using toys or straps, those too would be best used with latex barriers or only on one partner.
STI tests also take somewhere between 5 days to 2 weeks to detect gonorrhea and chlamydia, while syphilis can take up to 3 months to be detected. HIV and Hepatitis B and C can also take between 6 weeks to 3 months, so remember to aim for multiple tests over a span of 6 months and not just one test.
The thing with threesomes is, you won’t always be fully prepared for how it plays out or what you feel after the act. Communication may not go exactly as planned, you may find yourself wishing you had said or done something differently, and that’s perfectly natural.
But what does help?
Taking some space after the act to process your feelings.
Surrounding yourselves with loved ones who will prioritise your safety and comfort when you confide in them, especially in the event that your partners from that night do not feel available for conversation.
If sex can be a group act that involves and considers the needs of multiple people, why can’t aftercare and the tenderness we sometimes crave after intense sexual acts involve groups too?
Leave a comment
This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.